Rambling Thoughts on Fan-Fiction

Like many of the mistakes I talk about here on T.T.P, this one started off with a television obsession. Namely, the CW's Vampire Diaries - a teenage vampire, night time soap opera, which would be terrible if not for the fact that I, for the sake of honesty will admit, absolutely love. I was sold on it from the first episode and in classic style, managed to chew through an entire catalog of the 120 episodes currently available in little over three weeks. I should be embarrassed but I did it, so no harm in admitting it now I suppose.

I'm not telling you this to persuade you into the same demented marathon watching I engaged in, but to convey how deeply engrossed I'd become. I was a lost cause. Have an hour to kill? Throw on another episode! Start a new book? Nah... I'll just stay up until 2 AM and finish up season three, thanks. Let's just say it was an unhealthy addiction and after that kind of binge let's just say that withdrawal ain't easy.

So I did what I've always done - I sought out the books it was based on. Well, that was mistake number one because at least where T.V.D. is concerned those books are so incredibly different that it's hard to consider them as even occupying the same relative spaces. For starters, characters not only look entirely different but act differently as well. We aren't talking substituting a tertiary character for another or an eye color on a protagonist here. No, the TV show is a full blown re-imagining of a crappy novel that shares little more than some names while it loosely borrows a few plot points. Without the original to fall back on, I made what I now recognize as being the worst move of all - I downloaded some fan-fiction.

Ah, fan-fiction. An entire arm of literature born from adoring fans who can't be sated on the original content of a book, movie or television show alone. No. These rabid followers go one step further and feel like the only way to express their love is by taking creative control of the characters. In some cases it's to 'fix' a plot point that they felt was handled poorly and write up an alternative ending. In some cases it's a way to keep the story going for themselves and their group of like minded readers. In all cases, I can't stand the stuff. I knew this.

I downloaded it anyway...

...and it only took a page for me to realize what kind of train wreck I'd made myself audience to.

But did I stop? Of course I didn't! I read all thirty three pages of some of the most poorly written garbage I'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes on*. Just know that every missed capitalization of a proper noun, every misuse of the words their, they're and there, every grotesque editing error was noticed. Pile that onto a story that was, for lack of a better description, absolutely freaking terrible, and I was shaken. How could this exist? Not all fan-fiction is this bad is it?

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is. Not based on this one title alone. Oh no, no, no my dears, I wouldn't ever make such a sweeping judgment of an entire genre based on one title and that's because when this one turned out to be so terribly pathetic I read three more. Yes. Three. All by different authors mind you. Every single one was a steaming pile of literary poo.

You probably think I'm a bit crazy, and while that's probably a true statement, this venture through Kindle Worlds did do two things for me. The first was that it cured me of my T.V.D. addiction, (at least enough so I'll be sated with the new weekly episode). The second? Well, this adventure has shown me the darkest depths of the Kindle store. Thankfully, I recognized it as a mistake early on and managed to escape relatively quickly. But do yourself a favor - if you ever find yourself with an itch you think that only fan-fiction can scratch you'll probably be better off sitting down and writing your own. Not only will you get the story you want, but with the bar set so incredibly low, you can kick it over to Amazon and make yourself a few bucks in the process.

This belongs to the entire genre of fan-fiction.
Be gone, foul beast!

*In an effort to be kind I'm not going to mention the author or title of the work here, just know that I didn't stumble into the Kindle store and download the first thing I saw. I took my time and downloaded one of the highest rated titles with a ton of glowing reviews. Outside of that, my only criteria was that it was based on the television program and not a spin out from the book characters which turned out to be the easiest part of the whole thing: Turns out I'm not the only person whose absolutely revolted by the books but loves the program. Go figure.

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'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' by Jeff Kinney (Book 1)

Official Summary:
Boys don't keep diaries—or do they?

The launch of an exciting and innovatively illustrated new series narrated by an unforgettable kid every family can relate to.

It's a new school year, and Greg Heffley finds himself thrust into middle school, where undersized weaklings share the hallways with kids who are taller, meaner, and already shaving. The hazards of growing up before you're ready are uniquely revealed through words and drawings as Greg records them in his diary.

In book one of this debut series, Greg is happy to have Rowley, his sidekick, along for the ride. But when Rowley's star starts to rise, Greg tries to use his best friend's newfound popularity to his own advantage, kicking off a chain of events that will test their friendship in hilarious fashion.

Review:
Let me start out by saying that I never actually intended on reading 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid.' It just kind of happened. You don't believe me, do you? That's okay - you try ignoring the same title in the Kindle Unlimited top whatever for months and we'll have a little snoop in on your reading list. If the allure of all the nearly free titles aren't clogging up your to-be-read pile with questionable content in just a couple of days I'd argue that your using the service wrong. Yup. I went there. No. I'm not sorry.

Well, maybe a little bit sorry. But only a little. And only because now you have to suffer through a review of what is arguably one of the worst titles I've ever read. How is this crap so popular? Not only does it inhabit some strange space between a comic strip and a Roald Dahl novel - and I've gotta say that even having this garbage even spark the memory of fantastic children's writer Dahl makes me a bit sick to my stomach. That guy is a genius. This guy knows, has or was a bratty kid -  but there isn't anything redeeming about the content or the main character. The so-called "wimpy kid" is a freaking jerk that is constantly blaming others for his mistakes, admittedly using his friends to avert punishment, shows barely a modicum of respect for the authority figures in his life, and steals from his brother (whose also a jerk, by the way).

The only reason I can think of that this hunk of literary garbage is so widely read is that this kid, this bratty, selfish, dumb kid is an accurate reflection of the state of childhood right now. And that makes me sad.

Bottom Line: I don't care if Kinney comes out with a hundred more of these titles and they make another fifty movies from them, my advice will still be the same: Steer clear. This shouldn't be as popular as it is, and it certainly shouldn't be in the top 100. Ultimately, if this is the direction of our culture, then I'm disappointed. With so many enriching titles out there for children, the popularity of this one is mind-blowing and makes me more then just a little concerned for the reading lists of this country's youth.

'Darkly Dreaming Dexter' (Dexter Morgan Series #1) by Jeff Lindsay

Official Summary:

Meet Dexter Morgan, a polite wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s handsome and charming, but something in his past has made him abide by a different set of rules. He’s a serial killer whose one golden rule makes him immensely likeable: he only kills bad people. And his job as a blood splatter expert for the Miami police department puts him in the perfect position to identify his victims. But when a series of brutal murders bearing a striking similarity to his own style start turning up, Dexter is caught between being flattered and being frightened–of himself or some other fiend.

Review:

So you liked the show Dexter on Showtime, did you? Watched the finale and got just a little bit depressed that you'd never again see Michael C. Hall starring as the best antihero since Batman, hm*? Found out it was based on a series of books by some guy names Jeff Lindsay and got all excited, did you? Might have even thought that even if it were completely different, (because it would be wrong to not recognize that books and the media based on them are usually utterly dissimilar) there had to be something amazing on those pages... maybe something even better.

Yeah. Well about that.

Surprisingly, the talented writers, actors and staff of one of my favorite shows took a steaming pile of poo and only used it as the fertilizer for bigger and better stories and characters. Unfortunately, it means that this book, Darkly Dreaming Dexter is the steaming pile of poo. The author's got a great idea (obviously), but the whole novel feels flimsy. Poor characters, bad dialogue and I really didn't buy Dexter Morgan's ability to live behind the scenes without being caught red handed.

The one small redemption in reading it was that every so often it's possible to catch a glimpse of Dexter's personality, but it would flash by too quickly to make the book worth recommending to anyone. Well - maybe one isn't fair... it's second redeeming factor is that this book helped to create one of the best television series of all time, and for that I am eternally thankful.

Bottom Line: Even if you loved Dexter as much as I had, or are a usual fan of the mystery/thriller genres I'd say give this title a wide berth. I really wanted to love this one, and who knows, maybe high expectations were part of the problem, but it was impossible to get past the two dimensional characters or weak plot lines.

*You thought I was going to say I was depressed because that was one of histories worst finales ever, didn't you? While I'd be inclined to agree my opinions on the book and the series are trying to be civil with one another. I mean, what the hell was that?! A magical boat ride and an explosion later he's somehow living it up in the middle of freakin' no-where? Making the love of his life and his son... OMFG his SON!... think he's a dead man while he plays lumberjack? How many years of my life did I WASTE for this to be the closure? Seriously?

As you can see, it's not really working all that well.

'Smallworld: A Science Fiction Adventure Comedy' by Dominic Green

Official Summary:
Mount Ararat isn't your average extrasolar agrarian colony. A world the size of an asteroid yet having Earth-standard gravity, Mount Ararat plays host to a strangely confident family whose children are protected by the Devil, a mechanical killing machine, from such passers-by as Mr von Trapp (an escapee from a penal colony), the Made (manufactured humans being hunted by the State), and the super-rich clients of a gravitational health spa established at Mount Ararat's South Pole. But it soon transpires that the Devil is harbouring an ancient and deadly secret.

Review:
I expected great things from Smallworld. Something about the title, the cover, the description, billed as both a science fiction and a comedy smack in the title, and by a Hugo nominee no less - it felt like it could have been literary magic. At very least engaging. And at very, very least maybe deliver a chuckle or two.

So it's with a small amount of regret that I must report that Smallworld sucked.

From a character naming convention that was little more than a cheap way of telling the audience what the character should be like, rather than having the character filled out enough to come to that conclusion on your own all the way to scenes that were about as coherent as an SNL skit that falls apart somewhere in the middle and ends with the comics running around like chimps - suffices to say there was very little here that didn't make me feel like the idiot in the room missing the joke.

Who knows? Maybe I AM that idiot. Maybe this novel was absolutely brilliant and my plebian mind just couldn't wrap itself around the 'bone-dry satire' that at least one reviewer points to being this author's forte. By the mid-point I was actively forcing myself to the end because I thought it might all come together in some amazing ah-ha moment. Unfortunately, it ended in such a ludicrous, out-of-the-blue, anticlimactic way it made me wish time travel had been invented so I could go back and warn my past self to avoid this complete waste of time. 

Bottom Line: I usually love this stuff. I'm a Monty Python addict and have a near religious appreciation for author's like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett and I just don't get this one. But then again, maybe I just don't get it or maybe it was the unreasonable expectations I had walking into it. Either way, save yourself the time and walk by this title.

Bridal Title #4: '51 Ways to Save Money and Still Have a Chic and Fabulous Wedding!' by Laura Pepper

Official Summary:

There are plenty of ways to save money on your wedding day. But chic and tasteful ones? '51 Ways to Save Money and Still Have a Chic and Fabulous Wedding!' introduces these to you in this entertaining how-to guide. There's nothing tacky or distasteful here: just good old fashioned money saving tricks that you might not have thought of before. You'll save the price of this book, plus much much more! If you want a chic and fabulous wedding, and still enter marriage with enough money to enjoy newly wed life, then this guide is for you!

Review:

When I downloaded this title the last thing I felt like I needed to do was check the page count, but at $2.99 for a forty-two page book - that with all the extra tall "section headers" and double spacing it end up being less than 20 pages of actual information - I couldn't help but feel ripped off. But that's both a blessing and a curse in this particular instance.

On one hand the it would have been nice to have the longer, more in-depth explanations of her money saving tips. Things like "23. Serve Wedding Cake as Dessert. ‘Cos who really needs two desserts anyway?" were as curtly delivered as they were offensive in their numb obviousness. While we're on the topic of Laura's tips, most of them fall into the category of 'DUH' teetering on the edge of 'WTF?'. Nothing struck me as being chic and/or fabulous and every last one of them could have been copied directly out of any wedding forum anywhere on the internet. But don't just take my word on it, go take a quick spin on Google and search 'Wedding Money Saving Tips', and if you don't find an army of people suggesting you hold your big day in a friend or family members back yard, making your own flower arrangement, having your wedding on an off day (or season), avoiding any holidays or borrowing, begging and stealing anything and everything you can possibly get your hands on than I'll eat my hat.. well, A hat anyway. And at the end of the day I guarantee that the advise you get from that one quick web search will be more thoughtful and useful than the quick one- to two-paragraph quips that Pepper gives in this guide.

On the other hand, at least the title only took about 15 minutes of my time to read - so not the worst experience I guess.

Bottom Line: A rip off of epic proportions that says absolutely nothing insightful about how you can save money on your big day. Do yourself a favor and keep to the forums and the $2.99.

Bridal Title 2: 'Wedding Planning Like A Pro: Confession of an Ex-Wedding Planner' by Tammy J. Beatty

This title takes the cake as one of the worst I've ever had the displeasure of coming across. Filled with poorly written, snooty and pushy 'advice', bad jokes and terrible tips, 'Wedding Planning Like a Pro: Confessions of an Ex-Wedding Planner' is the new heavyweight champion of the D.N.R. collection.

To save you from an egregious waste of time, here are just a few of Tammy Beatty's words of wisdom along with my comments.

•  Her advice: Have an iPod wedding! It's cheaper to rent a $1,000 set of speakers from Rent-a-Center and buy an iPod than to hire a DJ. You'll also have 100% control!

My advice? Cough up the cash and hire a DJ. Not only is it going to cost just about as much as renting those lousy speakers from a Rent-a-Center it will save you time and countless hours of frustration both before and during your wedding. DJ's are more than just glorified MP3 players. They help to coordinate important moments like your first dance, your best man's speech, cake cutting, and the wedding party entrance. Not only that but you're running the risk of the music getting commandeered and something really really REALLY embarrassing being played. Fork out the extra couple hundred dollars (if even) and get a reputable DJ for the evening.

• Her advice: To save up money for your wedding, give up your daily Starbucks! You'll save about $1,000 over the course of a year!

Oh wow - $1,000! Golly, that's worth an entire year of self-punishment. Than there was her other stellar piece of money saving sage-ism: Move in together because you'll need to figure it out eventually. News flash for you Ms. Beatty - if the couple is getting married and they haven't moved in together there's probably a good reason for it. Might be religious or moral but seeing 'advice' like this in a book is borderline patronizing.

• Her advice: Check out the following websites because they're packed with totally awesome ideas and advice: The Knot and Wedding Wire!

Did you seriously recommend that I go to two websites that any moron with an internet connection and a Google search bar can find by face rolling the keyboard? To add insult to injury she doesn't list any website during the entire book that someone couldn't, wouldn't or hasn't found on their own through any level of preliminary investigation.

• Her advice: Buy your own flowers and look at this online guide. Isn't making your own floral arrangements fun and easy?

Are you insane Tammy? You've got to be because this isn't something everyone can do. I wouldn't even say 10% of brides could pull this off especially if all they've got to go on is this meager level of explanation. Floral arrangements are hard. Heck - I have a hard enough time jamming flowers from my fiance into a vase and having them look even remotely pretty... and that's after a florist had taken the time to arrange them into a bouquet. Never mind trying to become an overnight florist and make my own bridal bouquet. Maybe it's me, but this one stinks too.

• Her advice: You'll want pictures of your vows, so only hire a professional photographer for the ceremony. For the reception you'll be more interested in getting pictures of your drunk guests from none other than your drunk guest so who needs a professional! Partition them on Facebook afterwards and have them send you there favorites!

So while I plan on reaching out to friends and family after the event for their favorite photos they might have snapped on their phones or personal point-and-shoots there is no way in hell I'm going to depend on a room full of people that are half (or wholly) in the bag by the end of the festivities to capture all of my most important memories of the event. Terrible assertion here and Tammy should be ashamed of herself for suggestion this as an option.

The Bottom Line: If you're planning a small, backyard affair some of these tips might be worth pursuing but with the book feeling more like an aggregate for some of the internet's worst pieces of wedding advice its no wonder that the author Tammy Beatty is, in fact, an ex-wedding planner.