Rambling Thoughts on Fan-Fiction

Like many of the mistakes I talk about here on T.T.P, this one started off with a television obsession. Namely, the CW's Vampire Diaries - a teenage vampire, night time soap opera, which would be terrible if not for the fact that I, for the sake of honesty will admit, absolutely love. I was sold on it from the first episode and in classic style, managed to chew through an entire catalog of the 120 episodes currently available in little over three weeks. I should be embarrassed but I did it, so no harm in admitting it now I suppose.

I'm not telling you this to persuade you into the same demented marathon watching I engaged in, but to convey how deeply engrossed I'd become. I was a lost cause. Have an hour to kill? Throw on another episode! Start a new book? Nah... I'll just stay up until 2 AM and finish up season three, thanks. Let's just say it was an unhealthy addiction and after that kind of binge let's just say that withdrawal ain't easy.

So I did what I've always done - I sought out the books it was based on. Well, that was mistake number one because at least where T.V.D. is concerned those books are so incredibly different that it's hard to consider them as even occupying the same relative spaces. For starters, characters not only look entirely different but act differently as well. We aren't talking substituting a tertiary character for another or an eye color on a protagonist here. No, the TV show is a full blown re-imagining of a crappy novel that shares little more than some names while it loosely borrows a few plot points. Without the original to fall back on, I made what I now recognize as being the worst move of all - I downloaded some fan-fiction.

Ah, fan-fiction. An entire arm of literature born from adoring fans who can't be sated on the original content of a book, movie or television show alone. No. These rabid followers go one step further and feel like the only way to express their love is by taking creative control of the characters. In some cases it's to 'fix' a plot point that they felt was handled poorly and write up an alternative ending. In some cases it's a way to keep the story going for themselves and their group of like minded readers. In all cases, I can't stand the stuff. I knew this.

I downloaded it anyway...

...and it only took a page for me to realize what kind of train wreck I'd made myself audience to.

But did I stop? Of course I didn't! I read all thirty three pages of some of the most poorly written garbage I'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes on*. Just know that every missed capitalization of a proper noun, every misuse of the words their, they're and there, every grotesque editing error was noticed. Pile that onto a story that was, for lack of a better description, absolutely freaking terrible, and I was shaken. How could this exist? Not all fan-fiction is this bad is it?

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is. Not based on this one title alone. Oh no, no, no my dears, I wouldn't ever make such a sweeping judgment of an entire genre based on one title and that's because when this one turned out to be so terribly pathetic I read three more. Yes. Three. All by different authors mind you. Every single one was a steaming pile of literary poo.

You probably think I'm a bit crazy, and while that's probably a true statement, this venture through Kindle Worlds did do two things for me. The first was that it cured me of my T.V.D. addiction, (at least enough so I'll be sated with the new weekly episode). The second? Well, this adventure has shown me the darkest depths of the Kindle store. Thankfully, I recognized it as a mistake early on and managed to escape relatively quickly. But do yourself a favor - if you ever find yourself with an itch you think that only fan-fiction can scratch you'll probably be better off sitting down and writing your own. Not only will you get the story you want, but with the bar set so incredibly low, you can kick it over to Amazon and make yourself a few bucks in the process.

This belongs to the entire genre of fan-fiction.
Be gone, foul beast!

*In an effort to be kind I'm not going to mention the author or title of the work here, just know that I didn't stumble into the Kindle store and download the first thing I saw. I took my time and downloaded one of the highest rated titles with a ton of glowing reviews. Outside of that, my only criteria was that it was based on the television program and not a spin out from the book characters which turned out to be the easiest part of the whole thing: Turns out I'm not the only person whose absolutely revolted by the books but loves the program. Go figure.

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'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' by Jeff Kinney (Book 1)

Official Summary:
Boys don't keep diaries—or do they?

The launch of an exciting and innovatively illustrated new series narrated by an unforgettable kid every family can relate to.

It's a new school year, and Greg Heffley finds himself thrust into middle school, where undersized weaklings share the hallways with kids who are taller, meaner, and already shaving. The hazards of growing up before you're ready are uniquely revealed through words and drawings as Greg records them in his diary.

In book one of this debut series, Greg is happy to have Rowley, his sidekick, along for the ride. But when Rowley's star starts to rise, Greg tries to use his best friend's newfound popularity to his own advantage, kicking off a chain of events that will test their friendship in hilarious fashion.

Review:
Let me start out by saying that I never actually intended on reading 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid.' It just kind of happened. You don't believe me, do you? That's okay - you try ignoring the same title in the Kindle Unlimited top whatever for months and we'll have a little snoop in on your reading list. If the allure of all the nearly free titles aren't clogging up your to-be-read pile with questionable content in just a couple of days I'd argue that your using the service wrong. Yup. I went there. No. I'm not sorry.

Well, maybe a little bit sorry. But only a little. And only because now you have to suffer through a review of what is arguably one of the worst titles I've ever read. How is this crap so popular? Not only does it inhabit some strange space between a comic strip and a Roald Dahl novel - and I've gotta say that even having this garbage even spark the memory of fantastic children's writer Dahl makes me a bit sick to my stomach. That guy is a genius. This guy knows, has or was a bratty kid -  but there isn't anything redeeming about the content or the main character. The so-called "wimpy kid" is a freaking jerk that is constantly blaming others for his mistakes, admittedly using his friends to avert punishment, shows barely a modicum of respect for the authority figures in his life, and steals from his brother (whose also a jerk, by the way).

The only reason I can think of that this hunk of literary garbage is so widely read is that this kid, this bratty, selfish, dumb kid is an accurate reflection of the state of childhood right now. And that makes me sad.

Bottom Line: I don't care if Kinney comes out with a hundred more of these titles and they make another fifty movies from them, my advice will still be the same: Steer clear. This shouldn't be as popular as it is, and it certainly shouldn't be in the top 100. Ultimately, if this is the direction of our culture, then I'm disappointed. With so many enriching titles out there for children, the popularity of this one is mind-blowing and makes me more then just a little concerned for the reading lists of this country's youth.

'Petals on the Wind' by V.C. Andrews

Official Summary:

For Carrie, Chris and Cathy the attic was a dark horror that would not leave their minds. Of course mother had to pretend they didn't exist and grandmother was convinced they had the devil in them. But that wasn't their fault. Was it?

Cathy knew what to do. She knew it was time to show her mother and grandmother that the pain and terror of the attic could not be forgotten...Show them. Show them -- once and for all.

Review:

I wasn't the only person to watch that crap Lifetime movie based "Flowers in the Attic", was I? No, of course I wasn't... although if I were I wouldn't be particularly upset about it. While it wasn't outright bad, it wasn't exactly a moving piece of cinema either. I mean, let's be honest here... it was a Lifetime movie. That's about as close as you can get to being a real potato when you're actually a Pringle. You know its nothing but processed garbage, but once you've had one you need to indulge in another. They're nothing but junk food for the soul. I know this. But I watch them anyway.

It's a curse.
A damned curse I tell you.

And after indulging in this strange form of rubber necking a life so ghastly what did I do? I downloaded this title, of course! Of course I did, because what did I see in the credits? You know what I saw. It's the same thing I see in dozens of other movies or TV shows that guides me down a similar path nearly every. single. time. I saw my call to action. I saw: "Based on "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews."

I mean who doesn't love a good story about incest, crazy women who are somehow predisposed to become even more insane then the generation before and, oh, don't forget the truck loads of child abuse? Really what was I thinking? God, I wish I knew what I was thinking sometimes.

Bottom Line: If it weren't for the fact that it was only one of two titles I had downloaded to my Kindle when I boarded a thirteen hour flight then I would have given up after page ten. I usually try to avoid spoilers here but here's a big one: she never gets better! She never, ever, ever, gets better! Carrie surpasses her mom's level of crazy, she adds in grandma level crazy, and in some ways gets so stupid crazy batty that you hope she chokes on her own fist. Don't do it. And if you really feel like making a bad decisions today, instead of using your money to buy this book go outside and burn it. This one is braincell killer.

'Smallworld: A Science Fiction Adventure Comedy' by Dominic Green

Official Summary:
Mount Ararat isn't your average extrasolar agrarian colony. A world the size of an asteroid yet having Earth-standard gravity, Mount Ararat plays host to a strangely confident family whose children are protected by the Devil, a mechanical killing machine, from such passers-by as Mr von Trapp (an escapee from a penal colony), the Made (manufactured humans being hunted by the State), and the super-rich clients of a gravitational health spa established at Mount Ararat's South Pole. But it soon transpires that the Devil is harbouring an ancient and deadly secret.

Review:
I expected great things from Smallworld. Something about the title, the cover, the description, billed as both a science fiction and a comedy smack in the title, and by a Hugo nominee no less - it felt like it could have been literary magic. At very least engaging. And at very, very least maybe deliver a chuckle or two.

So it's with a small amount of regret that I must report that Smallworld sucked.

From a character naming convention that was little more than a cheap way of telling the audience what the character should be like, rather than having the character filled out enough to come to that conclusion on your own all the way to scenes that were about as coherent as an SNL skit that falls apart somewhere in the middle and ends with the comics running around like chimps - suffices to say there was very little here that didn't make me feel like the idiot in the room missing the joke.

Who knows? Maybe I AM that idiot. Maybe this novel was absolutely brilliant and my plebian mind just couldn't wrap itself around the 'bone-dry satire' that at least one reviewer points to being this author's forte. By the mid-point I was actively forcing myself to the end because I thought it might all come together in some amazing ah-ha moment. Unfortunately, it ended in such a ludicrous, out-of-the-blue, anticlimactic way it made me wish time travel had been invented so I could go back and warn my past self to avoid this complete waste of time. 

Bottom Line: I usually love this stuff. I'm a Monty Python addict and have a near religious appreciation for author's like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett and I just don't get this one. But then again, maybe I just don't get it or maybe it was the unreasonable expectations I had walking into it. Either way, save yourself the time and walk by this title.

'Into the Dark' (Parts 1-4) by Milly Silver

Official Summary:
When seventeen-year-old Oxford student Emily Baxter steps forward to become part of the search and rescue team for her kidnapped family member, she sees it as her last chance to put things right. Despite her seizures and being ripped between parallel universes, Emily is determined to get back to living a normal life. But first Emily has to join forces with the mysterious Gifted & Talented set and the darkly beautiful Henry Seadon. And survive. Killing the Misery-Makers who get in their way is a necessary evil.

Review:
Into the Dark by Milly Silver is a series that could have been great. It has an interesting premise and some promising character dynamics but due to a few big issues the title ends up being little more than a big disappointment. 

The first criticism is that all four parts of this title really should have been delivered as a single book. In most cases this particular issue wouldn't have made it so far up the chain but here it means that you'd end up paying a grand total of seven dollars to get through all four parts. Before you start thinking that I'm being miserly* with my money, let's put that in a little perspective. Most unknown author titles (and this falls square into that category) go for around one to two dollars on Amazon for the WHOLE experience. For Into the Dark, Milly expects her readers to not only fork out admission at the door, but then she doubles the cover and scalps them every six or seven chapters. It's not right.

The second issue is dialogue that falls flat on its face, lacks personality and really drags down the pacing of this story. If you've ever taken even a high school level creative writing class your professor probably said something along the lines of "show the action, don't speak it." This title would benefit a lot from another edit that really embraces this advice. Getting rid of passages where the character announces that they're leaving and then they leave is nothing short of bad writing. Put another way, the dialogue was so bad in spots I felt challenged to stumble through it.

Last but not least, one of the biggest relationships in this book felt so fake and forced that every time it came up it made me question my ability to get through all four parts. It wasn't the main character Emily and her boyfriend, friends or uncle. It was Emily's relationship and her uncle's comatose fiancee Irene. Just thinking about it makes me roll my eyes. It was awful! It's like the author decided after writing part one, (where Emily makes a mind-bogglingly dreadful decision that lands Irene in the coma to start with) that Irene was going to play a bigger role in the story than was initially planned for and didn't want to go back and rewrite the first half so that the relationship made sense. By the time we get to the later-parts Emily now really adores this woman and visits her every day in the hospital, wishing she hadn't been so outrageously stupid selfish and will literally put her life on the line to get her mom sister uncle's fiancee (?!) back. Yes, showing a protagonist have a change of heart and emotionally grow during the course of a book is something most good titles, and all the great ones, seem to get right effortlessly, but trust me when I tell you this one didn't come close to effortless - there was definite effort there... and it chugged by at the speed and grace of a poorly fed coal engine.

Bottom Line: This title is rough around the edges and doesn't have enough polish rounds put in for it to be fit for public consumption yet. This series would be exponentially better if it were put in the hands of the right continuity and dialogue editor. If it ever gets one and is re-released I'd love to give it another shot because the premise really is intriguing. Until then my best advice is to steer clear or Into the Dark no matter what your 'bad dialogue' tolerance threshold.

*Disclosure: This book was provided by the author in exchange for my review.  

Bridal Title #4: '51 Ways to Save Money and Still Have a Chic and Fabulous Wedding!' by Laura Pepper

Official Summary:

There are plenty of ways to save money on your wedding day. But chic and tasteful ones? '51 Ways to Save Money and Still Have a Chic and Fabulous Wedding!' introduces these to you in this entertaining how-to guide. There's nothing tacky or distasteful here: just good old fashioned money saving tricks that you might not have thought of before. You'll save the price of this book, plus much much more! If you want a chic and fabulous wedding, and still enter marriage with enough money to enjoy newly wed life, then this guide is for you!

Review:

When I downloaded this title the last thing I felt like I needed to do was check the page count, but at $2.99 for a forty-two page book - that with all the extra tall "section headers" and double spacing it end up being less than 20 pages of actual information - I couldn't help but feel ripped off. But that's both a blessing and a curse in this particular instance.

On one hand the it would have been nice to have the longer, more in-depth explanations of her money saving tips. Things like "23. Serve Wedding Cake as Dessert. ‘Cos who really needs two desserts anyway?" were as curtly delivered as they were offensive in their numb obviousness. While we're on the topic of Laura's tips, most of them fall into the category of 'DUH' teetering on the edge of 'WTF?'. Nothing struck me as being chic and/or fabulous and every last one of them could have been copied directly out of any wedding forum anywhere on the internet. But don't just take my word on it, go take a quick spin on Google and search 'Wedding Money Saving Tips', and if you don't find an army of people suggesting you hold your big day in a friend or family members back yard, making your own flower arrangement, having your wedding on an off day (or season), avoiding any holidays or borrowing, begging and stealing anything and everything you can possibly get your hands on than I'll eat my hat.. well, A hat anyway. And at the end of the day I guarantee that the advise you get from that one quick web search will be more thoughtful and useful than the quick one- to two-paragraph quips that Pepper gives in this guide.

On the other hand, at least the title only took about 15 minutes of my time to read - so not the worst experience I guess.

Bottom Line: A rip off of epic proportions that says absolutely nothing insightful about how you can save money on your big day. Do yourself a favor and keep to the forums and the $2.99.

'The Wild Ones' by M. Leighton

Official Summary:
The darling daughter of a champion Thoroughbred breeder, Camille “Cami” Hines has a pedigree that rivals some of her father’s best horses. Other than feeling a little suffocated at times, Cami thought she was happy with her boyfriend, her life and her future—until she met Patrick Henley.  “Trick” blurs the lines between what Cami wants and what is expected of her—and he just happens to be so sexy she can’t keep her hands off him. While they both know that Trick would lose his much needed job on the ranch if anyone finds out, they can’t resist the lure of their scorchingly hot encounters. But when Trick stumbles upon a note from his father, it triggers a series of revelations that could ruin what he and Cami have worked so hard to overcome. It turns out there’s more to Trick’s presence at the ranch than either of them knew, and secrets with the power to tear them apart…  


Review:
Author M. Leighton comes up as a recommended writer fairly often in the reading circles I frequent. I even reviewed Madly, another title of her's, here on TTP a number of months ago. That title was actually pretty good (if anything it was too short), and even though I've never had the chance to read further in the series it's something I do plan on getting to when I have a slightly shorter stack on the TBR pile.*

That said, The Wild Ones didn't leave me inspired to read any more of this series. You see, this book was filled with characters that I just wanted to throttle for their lack of courage, commitment or general intelligence - Cami in particular needed a big slap in the face for being an indecisive, cheating idiot who calls her father 'Daddy' (gag). A weak female character that let's him, and for that matter every other man in her life, make all the decisions for her. Let's put it this way - if she were a real person I'd get annoyed just talking to her for five minutes at a bus stop. Trick on the other hand was only slightly less obnoxious - at least he has goals and seems to have some level of morals (that he's constantly breaking with just about every interaction he has with Cami) even if he's basically thrown out his initial goal of completing vet school by the end of the novel.

Bottom Line: Why are books like this so popular? I guess if all you're looking for in your next read is a trite and contrived love story than go ahead and pick this one up. If you're more like me, and you like the characters in the books you read to grow and have bigger obstacles than a girl caught in the throws of a "but my Daddy doesn't like him as much as this other guy" whinefest, than don't go near it with a ten foot pole. 

*Not that it ever manages to shrink to anything smaller than sky scraper proportions...  and with a re-reading of the Southern Vampire novels first and foremost on my mind in prep for the final book coming out in less than a month (sqeeee!) it's probably not happening for awhile yet - but I will get there. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Bridal Title 2: 'Wedding Planning Like A Pro: Confession of an Ex-Wedding Planner' by Tammy J. Beatty

This title takes the cake as one of the worst I've ever had the displeasure of coming across. Filled with poorly written, snooty and pushy 'advice', bad jokes and terrible tips, 'Wedding Planning Like a Pro: Confessions of an Ex-Wedding Planner' is the new heavyweight champion of the D.N.R. collection.

To save you from an egregious waste of time, here are just a few of Tammy Beatty's words of wisdom along with my comments.

•  Her advice: Have an iPod wedding! It's cheaper to rent a $1,000 set of speakers from Rent-a-Center and buy an iPod than to hire a DJ. You'll also have 100% control!

My advice? Cough up the cash and hire a DJ. Not only is it going to cost just about as much as renting those lousy speakers from a Rent-a-Center it will save you time and countless hours of frustration both before and during your wedding. DJ's are more than just glorified MP3 players. They help to coordinate important moments like your first dance, your best man's speech, cake cutting, and the wedding party entrance. Not only that but you're running the risk of the music getting commandeered and something really really REALLY embarrassing being played. Fork out the extra couple hundred dollars (if even) and get a reputable DJ for the evening.

• Her advice: To save up money for your wedding, give up your daily Starbucks! You'll save about $1,000 over the course of a year!

Oh wow - $1,000! Golly, that's worth an entire year of self-punishment. Than there was her other stellar piece of money saving sage-ism: Move in together because you'll need to figure it out eventually. News flash for you Ms. Beatty - if the couple is getting married and they haven't moved in together there's probably a good reason for it. Might be religious or moral but seeing 'advice' like this in a book is borderline patronizing.

• Her advice: Check out the following websites because they're packed with totally awesome ideas and advice: The Knot and Wedding Wire!

Did you seriously recommend that I go to two websites that any moron with an internet connection and a Google search bar can find by face rolling the keyboard? To add insult to injury she doesn't list any website during the entire book that someone couldn't, wouldn't or hasn't found on their own through any level of preliminary investigation.

• Her advice: Buy your own flowers and look at this online guide. Isn't making your own floral arrangements fun and easy?

Are you insane Tammy? You've got to be because this isn't something everyone can do. I wouldn't even say 10% of brides could pull this off especially if all they've got to go on is this meager level of explanation. Floral arrangements are hard. Heck - I have a hard enough time jamming flowers from my fiance into a vase and having them look even remotely pretty... and that's after a florist had taken the time to arrange them into a bouquet. Never mind trying to become an overnight florist and make my own bridal bouquet. Maybe it's me, but this one stinks too.

• Her advice: You'll want pictures of your vows, so only hire a professional photographer for the ceremony. For the reception you'll be more interested in getting pictures of your drunk guests from none other than your drunk guest so who needs a professional! Partition them on Facebook afterwards and have them send you there favorites!

So while I plan on reaching out to friends and family after the event for their favorite photos they might have snapped on their phones or personal point-and-shoots there is no way in hell I'm going to depend on a room full of people that are half (or wholly) in the bag by the end of the festivities to capture all of my most important memories of the event. Terrible assertion here and Tammy should be ashamed of herself for suggestion this as an option.

The Bottom Line: If you're planning a small, backyard affair some of these tips might be worth pursuing but with the book feeling more like an aggregate for some of the internet's worst pieces of wedding advice its no wonder that the author Tammy Beatty is, in fact, an ex-wedding planner.

'Gods of Men' (Children of the Apocalypse) by Joseph Pignataro

Before I make an ass out of myself with this review I feel like I should admit two things:

1. This is the first graphic novel I've ever picked up. Yes. For reals.
2. I'm not even capable of drawing a convincing stick figure so please take any 'style' critiques with a heaping cup of salt.

Phew - okay... glad we got that out of the way so now I can continue without feeling too much guilt.

So what did I think of 'Gods of Men' by Joseph Pignataro? Well that's easy; it was terrible. But while I'm at it let's take a second and break that down.

• Art style: Looked like it was done by someone suffering from the shakes and drawing with their off hand.
• Story line: What story line? Seriously - this thing had about one thing happen over the entirety of the first installment which to me seemed a bit odd if only because the blurb and accompanying reviews made it seem like something actually, oh... I dunno... HAPPENED!
• Length: If I'd paid for this I'd have been pissed. Really and truly livid. By the time I'd settled in to a comfortable reading position it was over. Than again, maybe this was a blessing in disguise. If it'd been longer I might have felt like this was a tremendous waste of time and not just a slight annoyance.

Bottom Line: If you or someone you love is about to spend money on this waste of ink please, for the love of literature, knock it out of their hands. And like always if you find that you disagree with me, please please please tell me why in the comments below because as things stand at the moment I'm wondering how on earth this series got such rave reviews everywhere else.

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'Star Trek: The Next Generation: Resistance' by J.M. Dillard

So, last night I'm laying in bed, where I get most of my productive reading hours in, and my boyfriend turns to me and we have a conversation that starts out something like this, "So are you going to review that one?"

I set the Kindle down just enough to get a peek of him over the bevel, "Of course."

"Well, are you going to mention me?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't want you blaming this one on me, that's all." Maybe it was the fact that it was almost midnight and sleep was creeping in, but I just didn't follow and it must have showed because he immediately plowed on, "You know, for getting you to watch Star Trek again and that somehow translating into you getting into the books."

Ah-ha.

At the time I'd said I wouldn't mention him, but it seems like a good way to answer the question I'm sure was burning through your brain when you saw the title of today's review: Why in all hell would I read 'Resistance' by J.M. Dillard?

B-4 and beloved Spot

Here's the deal. About a year ago he said he'd never watched Star Trek: The Next Generation. I'd already watched through it in it's entirety twice before, but I will never turn down that kind of opportunity. A year, and a full seven sessions of Star Trek: TNG and four movies later, he's all but given up (he hates Voyager and I can't really blame him on that score) but I was still clinging onto a bit of nostalgia and found that this title picks up where the movies left off. I couldn't help myself.

It's been about a week since that sad day, and I've gotta say that while the book had most of the right pieces, the feeling just wasn't in it for me. In a sense it's laid out in a way that makes it feel like one, super long, episode - which is good. But I didn't fall in love with any of the new characters introduced to fill in some of the big casting holes (left by the Councillor especially), which made most of the "big emotional scenes" fall more than a little flat. As if that weren't bad enough, I kinda just got peeved that the book opens with shipping B-4 off for a good ol' fashioned tear down (for Science!) and ends with not a whisper of him again. That kinda crap just wouldn't happen in the series. Who knows... he's might be brought back in a later book? But I'm not going to read any further to find out. And this isn't even touching on the fact that it's yet another Picard/Locutus and the Borgs drama that only kinda-sorta touches on him and Beverly's now official romance. 

If I were a die-hard trekie I'd keep reading, if only to find out what happens to B-4, but the synopsis and teaser chapter for the next book leads me to believe it focuses on Janeway (gag) and MORE BORGS!!!!!* (grrrr. So. Sick. Of. Borgs.)

Locutus of Borg (stupid Borg)

Bottom line? I won't be reading any further. I usually have a policy that I don't read anything that is based on a show or movie and this experience only helps to reinforce prior findings. It doesn't ruin the show, but it didn't really bring much to the table either. Unless you are a really, truly in need of a Next Generation fix, steer clear.

*Although Q and Lady Q are in it - and there's just something about Q that makes me happy.

This Months Waiting List - November Edition

For the sake of both of us, and in an effort to explain why a certain book by Rowling appeared on last months list but was never reviewed, let me start by saying this:


It was terrible.

Absolutely, undeniably, terrible.

So freaking bad, in fact, that I only got through the first three chapters before I had to give up. It was boring and I just couldn't do it to myself. Nope. I know that I promised that I would read it. And I didn't. And I'm sorry. But it was awful. Really, truly, D.N.R. so I moved on.

J.K.R. - thanks for giving the world Harry Potter but please, for the love all that is written, put down the pen and walk away!

Ok. I feel better now. So back to our normally scheduled programming shall we? You came here to check out what kind of commitment I'm making for November, not to see me rant...

1. "Days of Blood and Starlight" by Laini Taylor, book two of her Daughter of Smoke and Bone series which in my humble opinion is a must read. (See glowing review of book one here)
2. "The Evolution of Mara Dyer", Mara Dyer #2, by Michelle Hodkin
3. "Redemption" Chosen #4, Denise Grover Swank

Only three this month that I can point to right now and with both my birthday and National Murder a Turkey Day that might, realistically be all I get to. But who knows, I'd love to find time to catch up on another installment of the Dresden Files "Blood Rites" by Jim Butcher as it's looking like a month filled with series 'catch-up'. Either that or it's time to tackle the telephone directory which is "A Storm of Swords" by George R.R. Martin. With Game of Thrones returning to TV in March that would give me a few months to absorb it before the show comes back and consumes my Sunday evenings again.

'Red Rain' by R.L. Stine

Back in the days of my elementary school's mobile book fair, R.L. Stine was starting to make waves with his, at the time brand new, series Goosebumps. It was enjoyable to a point. It always embodied a fun, campy spookiness, and each installment was always liberally littered with entirely unbelievable premises. Yet, even though I enjoyed them I never considered myself a great fan. I would argue that it was because by that age I'd already read half of Stephen King's offerings, and those - especially his earlier works - are truly the stuff of nightmares, so I'd already been desensitized to the spook in Stine's work.

Fast forward a few decades and I found myself intrigued by Stine's latest effort, 'Red Rain' in, dare I say it, the adult horror genre. To tell the truth I can't say I walked into it with particularly high expectations... in fact, I'd remembered so little of his writing style from before that I approached this much like I would a newly minted author.

But then I remember something: The only reason I ever went out of my way to get my hands on anything from Goosebumps was because my mom would always give me ten bucks to spend at the book fair. I'm not sure if you remember your grade school book fairs but the ones I attended were explosions of Lissa Frank (not interested), some series about twins named Jessica and Samantha (Sweet Valley High I think?) and other assorted garbage like locker mirrors, calendars, posters of Saved by The Bell actors and - oh yeah, a handful of semi-interesting books.

Why am I telling you this?*

Well, it turns out that I didn't really like R.L. Stine much growing up either - but when I saw this new title come up a yearning of nostalgia came with it. Unfortunately, for this title, it fell flatter then his kids books ever did.

Was the logo the scariest part of that series?

The premise of adorable twins being swiftly adopted by travel writer Lea and transplanted from their island home to suburban family life is so mundane it hurts. The writing is blocky, pedantic, technical and entirely devoid of a sense of humor. The characters are flat and predictable. What's worse than any of that is that it failed to scare me even once. No sharp intake of breathe, no struggle with myself on whether it would be best to keep reading and find out what happens or put it down and get a glass of water. None of that.

Overall, this one was dead, dry and boring. A book that I would imagine being a tough sell to even the most die-hard now adult Goosebumps fan. My final advise? Steer clear.

*I can almost hear you screaming at me to get to the point already! But you need to allow me a little time - I mean, we are deconstructing part of my childhood here.

"Blood of Anteros" by Georgia Cates

This is the first book in a series that I will not be continuing because I couldn't even get through the first half.

There. I said it and yes, you read correctly. I am writing a review for a book that was, in my opinion, so terrible that I will never find out how Curry eludes his maker Marsala. I won't ever find out how the doomed romance between him and Chansey resolves. I'll never get a chance to figure out what being an Agape really means to any of them.

And what's worse? I don't care to.  For the first time in my brief history as a book reviewer I'm throwing out the golden rule of bracketing every critique in two compliments. It just isn't possible for me this time.  In fact, I almost didn't review "Blood of Anteros" because after looking at all the glowing reviews for this series, some even written by other reviewers that I follow and trust, there is a small part of me that believes that maybe, just maybe, I'm the outlier - and it's my opinion that stinks... not this book. But after further consideration I truly feel like this one needs to avoided. But why? I'll give you three reasons:

1.  Curry is a vampire. A vampire who can walk in the daylight because of some strange ecliptical happening. Which is all well and good but once you get reading he'll say things like he can't eat real food, making a big excuse to avoid going down to breakfast because he doesn't want his non-food-eating self revealed. But then a chapter or two later he'll be scarfing breakfast with the same group of people.
2. Even by the halfway point I still got the sense that the author was still trying to figure out the point and overall, vampire element felt like it was jammed into the story. 
3. Lastly, the editing is terrible! This in and of itself makes it really, really, difficult to read because I constantly found myself trying to make sense of a misused (in some cases totally missing) word or poorly punctuated sentence. If this thing was being graded by my old college English professor, this thing would have gone in the trash and gotten an F.

To everyone who loves these books I'm sorry for the hard lined review. To everyone else, read at your own risk!